What Does the Bible Say About Divorce, Even in an Abusive Marriage?

In recent times, divorce rates have been staggering in many countries. Also, a huge number of married couples have reported unhappiness in marriage, especially when physical abuse sets in. While most abuse may be attributed to men because of their possession of more physical strength, it is not always the case. Some wives do abuse their husbands, too. It isn’t only women who seek divorce in courts; some men are also involved in it. But the question is, how did it get here, and what does the Bible say about divorce, even in an abusive marriage? Well, I have never seen enemies marrying each other. Guess what? Anyone would wish to marry someone they love. So, when things turn out badly, to the extent that abuse sets in, then there’s something wrong.

From the beginning

One time, some Pharisees teamed up to question Jesus about divorce. They said, “… Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?” Matthew 19:3 (NKJV). But Jesus replied, saying,

[4] … “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning made them male and female,’ [5] and said, For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? [6] So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Matthew 19:4-6 (NKJV)

My emphasis is on the last sentence: “Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” So, according to Jesus, divorce is not a subject of discussion in marriage. But the Pharisees, like many people in this generation, weren’t convinced. They further asked, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?” – Matthew 19:7 (NKJV). Well, for me, I understood them because they were so accustomed to the Old Testament laws that they constantly rejected Jesus’ ministry. However, Jesus had a solemn reply for them. He said,

[8] … “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. [9] And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.”

Matthew 19:8-9 (NKJV)

Now, according to divine hierarchy, Jesus is greater than Moses. So, even though Moses permitted divorce for some Israelites (especially the men), Jesus still insisted that divorce is out of the picture in marriage, whether it is abusive or not. However, if a woman commits adultery, the husband can file for a divorce. I’ll come to that later on.

The goal is to keep the covenant

According to what Jesus said, the goal of marriage is to keep the godly covenant between a man and his wife, not merely to seek comfort or revenge. Therefore, in both good and bad times, couples should learn how to live with each other and go through every situation. It is much better and less costly to walk in love and forgiveness towards your spouse than seeking a divorce. What God can do to restore your broken relationship is far better than going through the stressful court proceedings required for a divorce certificate. Value forgiveness!

What about adultery and abuse?

Adultery

Let me take on adultery first because that is what Jesus gave as an exception to a “no-divorce” rule in marriage. I do support what Jesus said for two main reasons.

1. Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) are widespread in this generation. Hence, when one spouse cheats, it’s likely that they may infect the other with it. And that’s bad, especially if such a disease is incurable but only manageable, such as HIV (even though medical researchers are seeking a cure). It is better for the faithful spouse to live rather than suffer a lifelong problem of treating STDs because the other spouse chose to cheat.
2. Breach of trust in marriage is extremely hard to repair. Some people cannot just forgive their spouse, especially when they are caught red-handed cheating.

Even if you would like to forgive your spouse for cheating in marriage, I recommend you abstain from sex for some time, take him/her to a hospital for tests against STDs to be sure they are not infected before continuing. In those seasons, temporarily living in separate places is also recommended in order to minimise frequent requests for sex from either spouse.

Abuse

Abuse in marriage comes in several forms. It can be sexual abuse or rape (forcing your spouse to have sex with you without their full consent), verbal abuse, or even physical abuse. All these are not good. However, it’s in many homes today. Jesus didn’t add this as an exception to the no-divorce rule. So, if your spouse is abusing you, it shouldn’t be the basis for you to request a divorce, even if it’s life-threatening. However, there are remedies to this situation.

For instance, in Matthew 18:15-18, Jesus outlines the process for addressing offences among people, particularly within the church. And in 1 Corinthians 6:1, Scripture warns believers in Christ against suing one another before the law courts. So, in matters of abuse in marriage, the best place to sort out this issue is to report the abusive spouse to the church leadership. In-laws can be involved, but shouldn’t be the first people to approach because, in most cases, many tend to defend their child in the marriage. I mean, the husband’s parents will likely side with the husband, and the same can happen on the wife’s end. The church leadership gives a neutral ground to judge the case fairly and to restore peace.

Some advice for you

As a minister of the gospel, I will tell you about how some ministers may likely handle this case, although the approach may differ from one place to another.

1. Some ministers will propose that the couple live in separate places for a while until the case is fully resolved. That prevents any further abuse from happening in the marital home after returning from counselling.
2. Some ministers will provide spiritual support for the abusive spouse to regain their firm stance in Christ, love for the spouse, and request for genuine forgiveness.

I don’t know what others will do. But whatever happens, don’t give up on your marriage.

You are a blessing!